Tuesday, February 21, 2006

This isn't working


With the most delicate wordcraft, I just tried to tell a very good friend that the romantic relationship with me that I let her hope for will never happen. I hate this feeling. I really never intended to lead anybody on. I wish I could feel as hurt for my mistakes as she feels for her disappointment...but I can't. The worst thing is, I need to tell her that I'm not attracted to her because I'm not attracted to girls. No other explanation could ever give her the justice she deserves. She deserves to know the whole story, but I'm afraid to tell her cause I'm afraid it could come back to hurt me. I tried to tell her, but I was purposefully ambiguous. Now she's going to blame herself. I'm very selfish in this respect.
I want to cry, but I know I won't.
I told her I wanted to talk more about this. I hope we do. I'll tell her.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Good

When I used to be in real classes, this mid-semester stretch was always killer. It's nice that my most stressful midterm this semester was the Foxtrot in Dance 180. Still, I remember thinking how great this semester would be cause I'd get to do all the things I never had time for in past semesters like reading books, running, cooking real meals, and bathing regularly (jk). Somehow, time this semester is as scarce as ever, but things really are good. Everything just works out.
Dance 180 honestly has been the biggest stress in my life recently. I always seem to find something to make a big deal out of. Last Wednesday, our teacher announced that we would have our Foxtrot test this Wednesday. To help us prepare, he put the music on and let the guys lead their partners around the floor, trying to integrate all the steps we had learned. Up to this point, he had called out the steps as we moved around the floor. Leading means I have to chose when to do what step and somehow communicate with my body and movement what step we're going to do next. In leading, basically the girl just stands there like a pretty puppet and I'm supposed to make her dance. To lead well, I need to know my stuff, have good form, and have confidence. Turns out I don't. I stepped on toes--lots of toes. I crashed into other dancers. I got crashed into. I couldn't hear a beat in the music so I couldn't even start the dance right. I kind of broke down when I ended up leading the hottest girl in the class. After a couple toe stompings and collisions I finally just said "sorry" and stopped dancing and we waited awkwardly for the song to end. The hot girl tried to be all nice and tell me I was doing fine, but she was saying it in the condescending primary teacher voice that let me know it wasn't the truth. I honestly felt retarded, like my brain wants to do one thing and my body just can't do it. It's something like the feeling I had as a new missionary in Chile trying to speak Spanish---when I'd open my mouth to try to express the things in my mind and all that comes out is incomprehensible. I left class with that dizzy feeling I get when the blood rushes to my head. I really didn't want to go back--ever.
I planned to practice dancing with a friend on Friday afternoon but ended up listening to her rant about her ex-boyfriend the whole time. She was upset that she now had to find someone else to give her rides and that she'd need to get a loan because he had been paying for lots of her stuff. Somehow she convinced me to give her a ride to grab some food, making me late for working out. On the way to the restaurant I hope I made it very clear that I'm not going to be the new man to give her rides and money. By the end of last week, I was pretty much hating dancing and girls.
Friday night I stayed up way too late and ended up sleeping until 1:30 p.m.--that's as late as I've slept in a long, long time. I woke up to a beautiful sunny day. The cough and runny nose that had been gnawing at me for weeks was gone. I went for a brilliant run outside and went to the mall for a bit with a buddy. Things were looking up.
Sunday morning I woke up with an ill feeling in my stomach. I was confused and thought it was Monday which meant I'd have to go to dance class. I was filled with dread. I turned over in bed and tried to fall back into the oblivion of sleep. After a few minutes the groginess started to clear up and I started wondering what had happened to Sunday. A big smile worked its way across my face as I realized that there was still one more day left in the weekend. Sunday turned out to be another great day. The best part was watching the Hugh Grant movie "About a Boy."
When I woke up the real Monday morning, the dread was back. I was starting to get sick of being so stressed over something so stupid. After all, this was supposed to be my chill semester. I really just wanted the whole dance test to go away. Monday was the last day to drop classes. For $10.00 I could take a "W" in the class and all my stress would be gone. I also debated just skipping dance class and the test on Wednesday. A failing grade in one dance class couldn't do too much to my GPA.
After my first class Monday, I ran into a friend from one of my business class groups who also happens to be a Dance 180 TA. She greeted me with a girly scream and a fierce hug. I told her about my dance test and she offered to help me practice.
"How about tomorrow tonight?" she asked. "Oh, tomorrow night is Valentine's you probably are busy."
"Um, nope, nothing." I answered.
"We should totally hang out tomorrow then. Give me call."
And then she was gone and I was left wondering if I had just committed myself to be someone's Valentine's date. I had really been looking forward to a mellow Valentine's Day where I could focus on school and work while the rest of the world was swept away in lovey-doveyness. I did need to practice my dancing though, so I figured it would be worth it.
Dance class Monday was better than Wednesday. I was still debating dropping the class or skipping the test. Knowing that I had those options made things easier to deal with. Gilmore Guy convinced me to talk to the teacher at the end of class. I basically told him I suck at dancing and didn't want to take the test. He agreed with me about my dancing skill but reassured me that the test would be just 30 seconds of humiliation and that just doing it assured me a B+ or A-. Cool. By the time that conversation was done, the one girl who I had considered asking to be my partner for the test had already left. The stress about testing was gone but I started stressing about who I would dance with.
Valentine's Day was the warmest and sunniest day in recent weeks. I really wasn't thinking too much about Valentine's Day but eventually I couldn't avoid it. I'm not a very anti-Valentine type person. Like, I hate when people call it “Single's Awareness Day.” It's like, if it's your friend's birthday I think it's pretty lame to make a big deal out of how it’s not your birthday. I kind of got caught up in the Valentine spirit when I went to my job at the elementary school. It's hard to escape Valentine's Day when you work at an elementary school. I came away with a lot of candy.
On the way home from work I was listening to my new Death Cab for Cutie CD and I kept playing my favorite song and also kept catching the song after it which happened to be called "Someday You Will be Loved."

“...Each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred

Someday you will be loved
You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved.”

So I realized I was really listening to the words and it was a sunny day so my windows were down and I really started jamming the gears and if I hadn't known better I'd think I was bitter... but I swear I wasn’t. I think it was just one of those moments where you can act all angry and bitter cause the moment is just perfect. Sometimes that's a fun feeling. So you just take advantage of it cause you never know when you may have that chance again. That was my one Valentine's Day bitter moment.
V-Day was long. On top of three hours of class, I worked nine hours between my two jobs and met my business group friend at her apartment at night. We went to an anti-Valentine party where everyone pretended to be bitter and heart-broken. I just smiled and enjoyed the food cause I'd already had my bitter moment. There was a contest for best break-up stories and the like. Good stuff. We ended the evening practicing the foxtrot in her apartment parking garage. People walking by probably thought we were having a real tender Valentine's Day moment. We practiced about an hour and my friend helped me a ton. By the end I even had a little bit of confidence. We ended the night with a good hug. It was a good Valentine's Day.
Before I left for my dance test on Wednesday I seriously knelt down and prayed to be able to be calm about it and to be able to find a partner. It's amazing how trials humble us. On the way there I saw another friend on the way back from her test who gave me some last minute pointers. My business group friend sent me a text wishing me good luck. When I got to class I still didn't know who I would dance with. I had one girl in mind but I figured she'd probably already have a partner. I sat down and pretended to study Portuguese while my mind went through worst case scenarios. I noticed a girl studying too and asked her if she'd practice with me until her partner came. When class started I still didn’t see the girl I thought of partnering with. I asked the girl I was practicing with if she needed to go practice with her partner and she said she didn't have one and suggested we be partners. I warned her that I really struggle with this stuff but she said she didn't care. We signed up toward the end of the list so we had the whole time to practice together. After 40 minutes of practice we actually had a good little routine down. We were both getting confident.
When it was our turn to test, I saw a note on the grader's table from my business group friend to the teacher telling him to go easy on me. The test itself went just fine. I stepped on her toe once and looked down too much but it wasn't even close to humiliating. I was relieved. Everything worked out. I think I worry too much.

It’s another sunny day today. I got an e-mail this morning saying my only Friday class is cancelled so that gives me time to write this very long post and it makes the three-day weekend into a four day. The job hunt is going well. I’ve got an interview on campus next week and another interview on the east coast the week after. Things are just good.

The devil infiltrated I-Tunes

So now that the devil (a.k.a "The Media") has me solidly hooked to I-Tunes, he's started using it in his plot to capture my eternal soul. Sometime on Valentine's day he snuck in an ad showing way too hot ladies in way too little clothing. The advertisement in the top right markets exclusive videos from the SI swimsuit edition. The women look very sexy...or sexual or something like that. I know they're wearing swimsuits, but I don't imagine they're thinking about swimming if you know what I mean. They're thinking dirty thoughts and they want me to think them too. Basically, they work for the devil.
You can download the videos for $1.99 each to carry around on your I-Pod. I know that cause I clicked on the ad. Really, how could I resist? I even watched the sample video clips.
Then I got mad. I can't tell if I'm mad that I-Tunes is peddling soft porn or if I'm mad that I watch the videos and don't even start to get excited. Sure the ladies are beautiful, but they aren't attractive to me--not at all.
Sorry demons, you're going to have to find something better than this if you're going to get this Mormon boy.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

The Ring

A while back, I started following the writings of a couple gay mormon bloggers. This ring of blogs tackles the apparent dichotomy between the identities of "Gay" and "Mormon." Any of us who consider ourselves part of these two groups know that rationalizing those two identities can at times be impossibly daunting. We've all had to go through, and continue to go through, a lot of soul searching, experimentation, and confusion to find something that works for us.
I've learned a lot from other people's experiences. Following this ring of bloggers has helped me run through some different attitudes and work out my own perspective a little more. I'm posting links to some of these blogs just in case anyone else can benefit from this.

Gay Mormon The original in this ring.
DC Twisted Life Mormon. Confused.
Straight and Narrow Another thin 24 year old.
LDS with SSA Married with kids, active in the church.
Peculiar Mormon Astoundingly hip and multi-talented BYU-I student. :-)
Elbow (Bobby) Married man just coming to terms with things.
Dave Cool kid. In medical school.
Hawaii Dave Nice guy from Hawaii. Married to a man. Not a Mormon in any way but he is a frequent poster on all the blogs.
Journal of a Gay Mormon Boy What not to do. Cruising in downtown SLC on his way back from the temple. The epitome of conflicted. This guy hasn't updated in years.
On the fence I don't think this guy is American. World traveler. Very honest. Seems cool.
When did we lose ever after? A Christian blogger going through the same stuff.
Work in Progress Student in Utah
Gay Mormon and Married
Gay LDS RM Chris. In SLC.
Foxx A well-rationalized, outside the church perspective.
Marriage is for Breeders on Nine Moons
Voices in my head on Nine Moons