Sunday, October 29, 2006


I think this Sunday I'm going to read a book or something...

Click here: The End

Sunday, October 22, 2006

To the depths of the queerosphere

Like the cosmos, there seems to be no end to the web of bloggers documenting life with SSA.
On days like today when I have way too much free time I sometimes follow the trails of comments and links to new frontiers of blogspot. Whether the blogs are fresh and cautious or old and juicy, they all tell a familiar tale. They are full of faith, determination, pain, confusion, and bleeding angst.
Navigating the queerosphere and glimpsing into others' lives inevitably leaves a sick feeling in my stomach. I can handle my life and the life of a couple close friends, but when I see that this blogring is really never-ending I can't help but get nauseous. Each of these people is going through what I've been through and I still go through and what I can only describe sometimes as hell. And it's not fair. Why would a just God haunt so many lives? Not to get all emo about it cause most of the time it's not too bad and there are lots of things that could be worse, but sometimes it does really suck. And I know very well how a couple of sucky moments can overwhelm a lifetime of good ones.
It doesn't help that I have a wicked "Hero Complex" that connects my self worth and sexuality to my ability to heal the world's pain and specifically the pain of good looking men. It makes me want to take in all the desperate bloggers and "save" them, calm their fears and fix their problems. But there's no way I can reach that many people. I try with a couple project cases. It feels like the starfish story from Sunday School--"at least I made a difference for this one." Maybe if I can just perfectly frame a comment on their blog. Maybe if I can just be the good friend they've always needed. Maybe if I can just help them see how amazing they are.

My anthem is "Fix You" by Coldplay:

"When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you're too in love to let it go
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

I have no right to sing that song. My projects never work. I get my life all caught up in somebody else's and we don't find any solutions. Eternal laws provide no way for me to save somebody else. A blogger texts me late at night hinting he's suicidal. All the power in me wants to reach out and take his pain away and make it mine so he can just stop crying for one night and have a break for once, but I can't. And nothing I can say or do makes it any better until something changes inside of him. I freak out.

In the end it all comes back to what it always comes back to--faith and hope and trust in God. My freak out session usually ends when I remember that there is someone who knows us all and who does reach out to us all--to the depths of the queerosphere and beyond. He can save us all and He already took our pain away... not quite so simple in application but it's all out there and there's a lot of light at the end of the tunnel, and along the way too. He invites us home and He can "fix" us. I need Him to fix me.

"And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You" - Relient K

Sunday, October 8, 2006

He's Blind Not Gay

freakin hillarious


The knee was still screwed up on Saturday so I watched the marathon from the sidelines. Gilmore Guy and Pinetree exceeded their own expectations and had amazing races. It's cool to have fast friends.
I had fun driving down and up in my new car and listening to some new music and just getting out of town.
As motivation to keep training, all three of us are planning to sign up for another marathon soon. There's not a lot to choose from over the winter so I'm not sure what we'll decide on. We've got the Moab Half Marathon in March.
Today in church my friend bore his testimony and mentioned that he ended a party at his house early to go help clean the Conference Center late Tuesday night cause he had signed up for it and had forgotten. I got a call Tuesday night reminding me that I had signed up for the same thing. I was down in Provo and already planning to go running so I told them I wouldn't make it. Looking back, if I had just gone and cleaned the Conference Center like I should have instead of running 20 miles, my leg may have been fine on Saturday.
Among other "if onlys," another friend told me about R.I.C.E.
(like an ACE bandage)
You're supposed to do that when you have a sprain which is what I'm pretty sure I have. If only I had known that on Tuesday I'm sure my leg would be better off today.
Oh well. I'm over being pissed at myself for past stupidity. Moral of the story: make sure you go to the church things you sign up for and if any of you sprain something, just R.I.C.E. it.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

Learning the hard way

"you can't procrastinate training for a marathon"

-- That sagely wisdom is what Wiggle told Pinetree who told me on Tuesday night as we were about five miles into a 20 mile run up Provo Canyon.

It was our last long run before the St. George Marathon on Saturday. The run itself was amazing. An almost full moon illuminated the world in glowing blue hues. It was light enough to see the details of the mountains and the fall forest. Conversation was good until we all got tired--then the silence was good.

Unfortunately, Wiggle's wisdom came a little too late for me. About the time I heard it from Pinetree, sharp pains were beginning to shoot through my left knee. I assumed I could run it off but another 10 miles proved me wrong. Compensating for the knee pain spread the stress from my toenails to my thighs. Gilmore Guy and Pinetree were buddy enough to stick with me as I hobbled back into Provo at 1:00 am feeling pretty defeated.

Since Tuesday, I've been desperately trying to heal my leg--eating well and massaging my knee and stretching and sleeping and last night I even tried a hot tub. The sharp pain is numbing slightly, but I messed it up pretty good. I'm walking with a limp and can't really put weight on my left leg. I'm pretty pissed at myself. I only really started training for this marathon about three weeks ago and then I crammed in 10+ mile runs every night in a desperate training binge. It's been a long time since I've subscribed to Runner's World and I've obviously lost some of my good running sense since then.

In a way though, I'm kind of happy. I'm a big fan of justice and this is one time I feel like I get what I deserve. So many times I've slacked and procrastinated and things have just kind of magically fallen into place. I was beginning to think I was one of the "chosen people" or something. It's good to get a little wake up call sometimes and remember that sitting, watching, and wishing don't get me any closer to the things I really want. A postcard on my fridge says "The only way to become a great runner is to run." There are hard ways and easy ways of going through life, but there really are no shortcuts.

I'm supposed to be on the starting line of the St. George Marathon in about 36 hours. I'm still eating my pasta and hydrating and packing my running shoes in case I feel good enough to run then. I'm not banking on it though.

Whether I run 26.2 miles with a throbbing knee or wait three hours and watch while everyone else runs, it will be a painful experience. I'm just hoping that it will be painful enough that I'll learn my lesson for next time.