Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Open Minded

Ad on Craigslist from an LDS guy renting rooms in Phoenix:

"What I'm looking for:
Someone who is responsible and will respect my house
Someone straight (sorry if that offends anyone)
Someone who will pay rent on time

I'm Mormon/LDS and so is the other roommate, but we are more open-minded."

I thought it was funny.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

All F'd Up

A scene in Little Miss Sunshine comes to mind. It’s the scene where Dwayne realizes he’s colorblind and all his dreams of becoming a fighter pilot and escaping his miserable life come instantly crashing down.

That feeling right there is pretty much what I’ve been going through recently. I got really sick at the beginning of March. I was with my extended family at a baby blessing in Roy on March 4 when I got some text messages from a friend. The text messages were harsh and painful but they were true and they were about me. Reality blindsided me like a linebacker. The sick fantasies in my head had become real life along with their equally real consequences. Suddenly my denial and smiles couldn't contain the things that had been brewing inside me. It all came bleeding to the surface in literally the most terrible feeling I've ever felt in my life.
I wanted to go home and curl up in fetal position and cry myself to sleep but I had to keep the smile on a little longer. I had some friends from the ward coming over for dinner. By the time they got here, I was beginning to be physically sick. I blamed cutting the onions for the redness in my eyes. I made an excuse to go to the garage to collapse on my knees and swear words I've never said before.
When my friends left, my head was spinning and I was shivering uncontrollably. For the next week, my head never really stopped spinning. I didn’t want to eat and everything I did eat flowed right back out. In eight days I ate what I would normally eat in one. I got a terrible cough that came in fits and felt like vomiting. I slept a lot. I passed out in the shower on Tuesday morning. I was late for work every day.
Work was crazy busy so I couldn't get a day off. Because I was sick, everything took longer. I worked a couple 12 hour days. All day long, I felt like the customers were yelling at me over the phone. I got really angry with a couple of customers. I made the biggest mistake I've made at work in months. It turned out not to be an expensive mistake but it was a serious mistake and one I shouldn't have made. My promotion got announced and everyone wanted to ask me about it. I rudely let people know I didn't feel like talking about it.
Other weird stuff happened that week. A friend who had deliberately cut off contact with me for several months reached out to me again. It was great to talk to him but also a little overwhelming. For the whole week I kept getting texts and voicemails from other friends which I never felt like responding to. A couple of friends quietly gave me space. Others got offended and told me I was “no fun.” One friend said I was a “meanie.”
I went to Dancesport that Saturday with some friends in Provo. ATP was there and kept asking me if I was ok. I kept telling him “yeah.” When he asked for a third or fourth time I said something nasty like “yeah, I'm fine and I hate when people ask me that.” I said it across A Girl Who who was sitting between us. Both of them just kind of pulled away from me. ATP's one of the nicest people I know and is a huge support for me and I know he was genuinely worried about me so I immediately felt terrible for being such a bitch to him. John and Isaac showed up later and Isaac was being friendly and asking me something about my job. I blew him off completely. I felt bad for souring their night and for making a lame first impression. LatinStud was a couple rows ahead of me. He saw me and waved but didn't come up to talk to me. He was surrounded by friends and busy and if I really wanted to I could have gone and talked to him myself, but for some reason I was mad that he didn't come and talk to me. I planned to meet Dances Alone afterward but wasn't feeling up to it and never texted or called to let her know what was going on. I felt like that friendship, one of my most valuable, was fading quickly. I went to Pinetree's apartment after the competition and tried to make plans for our trip to Vegas for a race the next weekend but it all seemed very complicated and awkward and I didn’t feel in any condition to run a race so we never decided anything. I went home feeling like crap all over. It was really a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. It felt like my entire world had collapsed around me. I couldn’t deny things any longer or blame anyone or anything. Everything was my fault and I knew I had to take responsibility for it.
There are so many things about myself that I hate right now. I hate how I can’t make normal friendships. I never connect with most people. When I do connect with someone, I use them recklessly to fill my emotional voids. Doing that, I end up hurting the people I care about the most. I hate that I know exactly what I should do and I don’t and exactly what I shouldn’t do and I do. I hate that I try to forget God then beg him to remember me. I hate that I can’t keep up with normal people in normal conversations and social situations. I hate that I’m 25 and still sitting on the sidelines of life waiting for someone to come and put me in the game. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that this is the best thing I have to post on my blog.
The week of the 11th, things started to get better. I forced myself to eat on Monday night and I actually held it all down. I went running again on Tuesday and felt pretty healthy. By Friday my cough was going away. I had the day off, so I ended up going to southern Utah with Dances Alone and her mission friends. We slept under the stars. We wandered around in red rock canyons all day Saturday and ended up getting lost and having a pretty serious hike and getting pretty seriously sunburned. We followed a stream and got back to camp just as the sun was setting. Nature was therapeutic.
This last week has been crazy again and I feel like things are still kind of combusting everywhere. I feel like I should just lock myself in my room after work until I sort out my own issues so I will stop messing up other people’s lives. At the same time though, I need to stop sulking and start participating in life again.
My little brother flies in on Monday night to spend the week in Utah. He and I are good friends so I’m hoping we have a good time. Two other friends from Cali are coming out for conference weekend. I’m moving to Phoenix on April 16. I’m going to be busy. I know when I get to Phoenix I’ll finally be able to slow down and sort some stuff out and begin to heal the things I’ve done to myself. I have to believe that time and space will heal the scars I’ve left on others. I keep wanting to write that things are fine and I’m ok. Well I just did write it, but I deleted it cause it’s not true. I’m pretty f’d up right now. I'm scared and I’m overwhelmed. I will, however, be ok eventually. I got myself in this mess alone and I’m responsible to get myself out of it. Some scriptures hit me really hard this week about finding rest in the Lord. Right now I feel like He will give me the respite I need when it all is too much. I probably don’t want to talk to everyone about how messed up I am. If you’re one of my friends who I treated like crap recently, I'm sorry. Really, seriously, I'm sorry. I wish things were as simple as just saying sorry but I know they're not. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I have to do to fix things though. If you're not one of the people I've been a jerk to, I'm still sorry you had to read all this emo trash. Hopefully you at least watched the video clip and enjoyed that.
I guess I'll just end with this picture cause I think it's amazing.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

This is hell...
....and it's my fault.