Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Old email, 2/2/06

I feel like updating my blog but I'm still sorting a lot of things out and what I could say right now is really not the kind of stuff I want to remember in the future. I found some stuff I wrote in years past. I'll post some of that.

Part of an e-mail conversation with another blogger:

"I took the music video off my blog. Sad day cause I loved having that alternative way to express my feelings but it was causing technical difficulties for various readers so it's probably better. Does my blog load ok now?

I'm usually doing stuff on weekend nights and try to be in bed before 2 am on weeknights (I work at 6 am most days). I'll try to post a comment on your blog this week.

The thing that I want to say basically is that I think you are oversimplifying a little to say that all we need to do is begin to question the LDS church's doctrines on homosexuality. I have questioned Church doctrine since I understood it. Honestly, since I was like 12 or something I have openly questioned this stuff. All of my friends have similar questions. So I guess point 1 is, we do question this stuff and it bugs me that you assume that anyone who isn't opposed to the church must have that stance because they simply haven't questioned it yet.

So the problem is when I question it and get answers. I've tried to be patient with my questions and sincere in my search for answers. I've evenutally gotten satisfactory answers. There are things about the church that I am questioning today. They're different than the things I questioned when I was 12 or when I was a missionary. The church's fundamental stance on homosexuality isn't something I question anymore. I accept it. The way the church deals with that stance, especially the individual members, and why the church isn't more vocal in communicating its stance is something I still question.

I just have this impression that you imagine me and my friends as these like zombies who just sit in church meetings and kind of droll and take it all in blindly and then go and flagellate ourselves cause that's what the church says. I've seen organizations that encourage mindless discipleship. The LDS church is not one of those organizations.

I'll admit that some people do not allow themselves to question the LDS church. These are many times the same people who don't allow themselves to accept the whole truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. These are the people who see the gospel as a list of things not to do. They try their darndest not to do these things. They try to make themselves perfect. Many people who are gay and LDS are also very perfectionist and have a little OCD. For these people, questioning the church is painful. Likewise, accepting the full mercy of God's love is impossible. Sadly, the ideas that cause these people so much pain and confusion is not the gospel taught by the LDS Church. These people go to Church and hear about forgiveness and hope and they don't believe it. They don't understand the Church's view on homosexuality because the refuse to understand. They don't believe that God can love us if we feel gay when the Church says again and again that He can and does. Do you see my point? They don't questions God's law and justice, but they do question his mercy. That's why they finally run away from it all. Because they can't handle the constant reminders that they sometimes aren't perfect, so they go and try to find something that they feel they can do perfectly.

The reason I stay close to the Church is because it gives me hope. Really, I wish you could see me and my friends. I wish you could see that we are happy because of the church and not in spite of it. I attend BYU. I'm surrounded by this stuff everyday. The Gospel of Jesus Christ makes people happy like nothing else in the world. I know I'm only 24 so maybe that will change, but I've been to Chile, Mexico, Canada, Japan, China, Singapore, Thailand, and Hong Kong. I've lived in SoCal, NoCal, Virginia, Texas, Washington, and Utah. I've had friends from all sorts of backgrounds and ideologies. I'm just trying to say I'm not clueless. I haven't found anything that makes me happier than staying close to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I kind of want to show you a family picture or something. I wish you could see the youth at our youth activities or my dad helping the widows in my congregation or the face of the people I baptized in Chile, or me and my friends at Denny's last night at 4 a.m. talking about being Gay and Mormon and smiling like crazy. I wish you could really understand.

hmm... well I guess I that's pretty much what I wanted to say. I think I'll post that to your blog too. Thanks for listening, and again thanks for trying to understand us and help.
-The Freak :-)"


Silus Grok said...

Haven't seen you online in a while... glad to have you back.

: )

-L- said...

Loved this.

Robb said...

Hey, well said buddy. Why it is that we have a tendency to focus on God's justice at the expense of his mercy is unfortunate, and yet so common. Ad you raise a very good point about those who turn their back on the church. If they could only be more honest with themselves, I hope that they would be less bitter and unhappy.