Third and final in a series of e-mails I wrote last year to a new friend who found me through my blog:
"Happy Sunday. The weather's been amazing this weekend. Hopefully you've been enjoying it. I've been studying for finals and trying to pack up my apartment. This was my last weekend ever in college and I ended up not going out at all any night. I am lame. But I kind of felt like being lame this weekend--well and trying to catch up a little on school.
Yeah I am jealous of you and the girl situation. I think I said that I've dated girls and stuff but just never really felt like I was all there. Problem for me is the girls who like me are never attractive to me (yeah I know that sounds shallow on my part) but it's hard enough thinking romantically about any girl but it would sure help if she were hot... And I know the argument is that you get to know a girl and then she becomes attractive. That's true to a point, but I've gotten very very close to several girls (mostly the girls I dated and didn't get physical with, like no kissing) and I just don't feel attracted. Sucks that I compare it to guys and with guys it's a whole different story.
I guess the idea of changing those desires seems so impossible that I don't see the point in trying. It would just be frustrating. But then I want a marriage and family and stuff so I guess I need to look at the whole picture and just realize it's a sacrifice--which means giving up one thing for something better, and I could give up the passionate element for all the other things I want... too bad passion is such a strong drive and so hard to just tell to go sit in the corner and be quiet.
I try to be strong on this, but really I'm mostly just spinning my wheels, counting the days, waiting for time to pass and hoping that maybe some girl will just come sweep me away. I'm waiting for a miracle pretty much. I forget that I have to be the one to make it happen.
My best bud just started dating a girl from our dance class like 2 weeks ago (he's SSA). They're holding hands and kissing now and it reminds me that I can do it, cause I've done it before.
About having this weakness. I agree with you. Like you, I've been amazingly blessed and really my life would have been a cakewalk without these desires. Even with these desires, I still have it good. But it keeps me humble. It breaks me and makes me really have to rely on the Lord. Too bad I'm kind of stuck in the broken stage and not completely letting the Lord heal me quite yet. Eventually.
Feeling gay is tough to reconcile because really a lot of the feelings I have are so good and Christlike, like being able to love more profoundly and listen to people and care, but then there's this evil twist to them and that's what is frustrating.
Since the last e-mail I have been doing a lot better with reading the scriptures and praying. Church was great today and I did my hometeaching. My roommate is out of town so I took all the initiative myself and it felt good. It always feels good to do what I know is right.
So you called me brave. Ha! Thanks. I'm really not brave at all. I only talk to other SSA guys pretty much. I didn't meet them with bad intentions, just to have people to talk to. It's been good. But I'm probably as scared as you are to tell anyone else.
The thing about me and my friend who is depressed... yeah. It's not cool and I don't know what to do. I just got off the phone with him and he's all messed up. It tears me up in inside. Don't feel like you have to solve that issue, I just wanted to vent a sec.
About telling about yourself and stuff, no worries. I totally understand and honestly, it's nice having an anonymous outside opinion. I'll tell you as much or as little about myself as you want. Anything you tell me is safe too. Meeting other SSA guys is scary at first. It can open you up to bad stuff, but there's a lot of good from it too. I don't regret for a second meeting other guys and I've only found it easier to deal with stuff since then. But for me, I needed it. I was at a point where I felt very dark and alone. I was spending hours chatting with creepy old men online and even had almost met some just to experiment. Our conversations were dirty and I didn't even like it at all, I was just starved for some sort of connection with someone. So I made a conscious decision to meet good ssa guys around here. I've met my best friends ever. We're totally normal. Three of us go to the gym together, we ran a half marathon together, we go on double dates (yes with girls), have dinner, whatever. With my two closest friends we have kept it very under control-- I mean it isn't something that needs controlled, it's just naturally good. So, I guess what I'm saying is if you ever do need to talk in person I'm here for that too. But take it at your speed. You know what's best for you.
Anyways, yeah I consider you a friend too and that's cool. Write whatever whenever. I'm heading to Mexico and Arizona for a couple weeks on Wednesday then I'll be moving up to SLC and living with my grandma for about a month so internet access will be spotty but I'll find a way I'm sure.