My single's ward is pretty cool here. I've been going to activities and starting to feel like I know people. Tonight I was surfing Facebook, looking up some of the people I've met. I found the profile of one guy who I've kind of made friends with. He's skinny and socially awkward like I am but just a really nice, good guy. He's one of the guys who I think could maybe become the type of friend I'd hang out with outside of ward activities. So I'm looking at his interests and favorite movies and stuff and thinking, "yeah, we could be friends." Then I looked at his groups and his top group is "No More Pornography-- The mission of No More Pornography is to eliminate both the use and spread of pornography throughout the world." That sounds like a great cause and everything so nothing against the group, but when I saw that on his profile, it hit me what a really good guy he is and how different I am from him and the first thought in my mind is: "If he only really knew me..." And suddenly I'm scared to make friends.
I sometimes feel like a poser. I miss having friends who know me and most of my issues and are still great friends. Maybe I'll eventually get to that point with people here. For now though I'm playing the part of the goody goody BYU grad. It's not a total act-- it's part of who I am, but it's not the whole story. Unfortunately it's just not really kosher to introduce yourself in Mormon circles like "Hello I'm [real name] and I struggle with serious moral / emotional / psychological problems." Actually that's not really kosher anywhere... except maybe support groups. I'm trying to be myself here. I'm trying to be honest with people. But I kind of have to be my best self if I'm ever going to make friends with the upstanding, churchy kids I need to be friends with. I'm just afraid of making friends and then a couple weeks/months down the line having them ditch me when they discover I'm not everything they thought I was. I wish I could give them some sort of disclaimer explaining that I'm slightly broken.
Writing this makes me realize how irrational this is because A) I can't think of a friend I've ever had ditch me cause I'm not perfect and B) even if that did happen I'm pretty sure I could get over it. It is something I worry about though.
Things are actually good right now. I'm trying to really become more like the goody goody guy I sometimes pretend to be. It's a process. I'm somewhere at the beginning but I'm moving forward. All this stuff takes time.